Has always been I am not doing enough. It is like a constant search to do more. Get better and learn. It is absolutely exhausting. Lately I have shifted to a mindset of surrender. Still every once and a while I have a day like today when I feel like I am not doing enough but cannot find what to do. I know my purpose. But reality is my purpose does not always pay the bills. It is a weird trap we are living in. The only real escape is surrending. I think now I see that a bit more clearly. It is hidden in every religion. The idea that you must surrender to something bigger than yourself. Admitting that you cannot lean on your own understanding. I may know a lot but even with that knowledge I end up in a wrestling match with God. Definitely makes me curious as to what that end goal is. It definitely is not money. It is not power. I am leaning toward it being freedom. But that is such a loaded term. Freedom is not doing what you want. It is found in doing what you are supposed to do. We are trapped in pursuing something more and more unobtainable. Everything about money and the material world is more clearly a lie every day. I look to my dad and see someone who was supposed to retire and likely never will. Then I wonder is that all of our fates? Were we born to just work and die? The movement of breaking free from the matrix is appealing but so few seem to have that sorted. Some that seem to be able to live never do and those that would never get the opportunity. I am 37 now. I have consistently improved my finances year over year. But every time I do something takes the increase and I am stuck with the same net. It truly is weird to observe objectively. Almost as if it was never worth it. Some who are divorced may also realize this trap men get into. Like your only purpose is to just pay for others to live and never be free. Rambling over. Time to go wrestle half naked men in 100 degree weather. Oos